Captain Archer and the Holy Grail
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Enterprise, please don't sue.
[Space, the final frontier. A starscape spreads itself in front of the reader, with the unmistakable sound of a warp engine. The eye of the camera turns away from the view screen, revealing Travis crouched behind the captain's chair with comb and paper]
Archer: Open hailing frequencies. I am Archer, Captain of the Enterprise. I have come here to enlist knights for my court of Starfleet in San Francisco.
Alien: What, in a warp drive ship?
Archer: Yes.
Alien. You're using comb and paper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Malcolm and Trip drag in a crewmember covered in what looks suspiciously like lumps of blu-tac. There is much shouting and waving of phasers.
Malcolm: We've found a Suiliban, may we blast it?
Crewmember: I'm not a Suiliban.
T'Pol: But you are dressed as one. Logic would dictate that you are one.
Crewmember: They dressed me up like this, and these aren't my scales, they're false ones.
T'Pol: Is this true?
[Crew look shifty.]
Malcolm: Well, we did dress him up. And we did the scales. But he is a Suiliban!
Trip: He disintegrated me! With a particle weapon!
[All look at Trip.]
Trip: I got better...
Malcolm: Shoot him with the phase cannon anyway!
[The cry if 'blast him!' is taken up by the rest of the crew.]
T'Pol: There are ways of telling whether he is a Suiliban. What else do we blast apart from Suiliban?
Malcolm: More suiliban!
[Trip cuffs him across the head. There is some deep thought.]
Trip: Ummm... Asteroids?
T'Pol: Good. Logical. And what happens to asteroids in water?
Trip: They... sink?
T'Pol: And what else sinks in water?
[They begin to guess wildly]
Malcolm: Torpedoes! Soap! Dr. Pholx! My copy of Lady Chatterly's Lover!
Trip: Warp Coils! Ensign Davis! Toasters! Elvis!
Malcolm: Elvis would have floated.
Trip: Not in the Rhinestone jump-suit.
[Malcolm shrugs. They continue with wild guesses. Archer enters, still followed by Travis with comb and paper.]
Archer: An anchor.
[Everyone turns round and goes 'oooooo']
T'Pol: Exactly. So logically...
[Trip and Malcolm attempt to think. This is obviously painful.]
Malcolm: If he... weighs the same as an anchor... then he's a Suiliban?
T'Pol: Correct. We shall use the plasma scales.
[Crewman is found to weigh the same as the anchor. There is much cheering]
Crewman: It's a fair cop.
T'Pol: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
Archer: I am Archer, captain of the Enterprise.
T'Pol: My liege.
Archer: Will you join me at the court of Starfleet?
T'Pol: Yes. It would be logical.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Narrator: The wise T'Pol was the first to join Archer's crew, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Lieutenant Reed the Brave, Commander Tucker, the Pure, and Ensign Sato, the not-quite-as-brave-as-Lieutenant-Reed, who had nearly fought the Klingon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Tribble of Bristol, and who had personally wet herself at the Battle of Langahan VI, and the aptly named Ensign Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the crew of the Enterprise (NX-01, (TM)).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reed: Starfleet!
T'Pol: Indeed. Starfleet.
Tucker: Starfleet!
Travis: It's only a model.
Archer: Shush. We shall ride to Starfleet!
[Interlude with big musical dance routine including a distinct lack of comedy song.]
Reed: Shouldn't there be a song?
Archer: You try rhyming things with 'Starfleet'.
Reed: Bath sheet?
Sato: Pleat?
Travis: Bleat?
Tucker: Float?
[The others look at him, then decide to ignore him]
Archer: On second thoughts let's not go to Starfleet. It is a silly place.
[They ride away. Then suddenly the clouds part, revealing SHATNER in all his glory.]
SHATNER: Archer!... Archer, Captain... of the Enterprise!
[They grovel and avert their eyes.]
SHATNER: Oh, don't... grovel! If there's... one thing I can't... stand it's... people... grovelling!
Archer: Sorry O SHATNER.
SHATNER: And don't... apologise! Every time I... try and... talk to someone it's 'Sorry... for 'Voyager', and 'Forgive me... 'Deep Space Nine.', and 'I'm not... worthy'. What are you... doing now?
Archer: I'm averting my eyes O SHATNER.
SHATNER: Well... don't! It's like those... miserable... conventions, they're so... depressing. So knock it off!
Archer: [Briefly stops averting eyes]. Is that a wig?
SHATNER: No!
Tucker: Sure looks like a wig.
SHATNER: Is not!
Reed: And is that a corset too?
SHATNER: No! Right! Archer... Captain of the.... Enterprise--your crew shall.... have a... task to make them an.... example in these.... dark times.
Archer: Good idea, o SHATNER!
SHATNER: 'Course.... it's a... good idea! Behold! Archer... this is the... Holy Grail of... primetime ratings. Look well... Archer, for it is your... sacred task to seek this... Grail. That is your... purpose, Archer the... Quest for the... Holy Grail.
Archer: A blessing!
Reed: A blessing from the SHATNER!
Tucker: Trek be praised!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[They ride up to another, bigger, shinier spaceship. They draw up in order. Travis puts down his comb and paper, picks up his kazoo and plays the theme tune.]
Archer: Hello!
[The face of Riker appears on the viewscreen.]
Riker: Allo! Who is eet?
Archer: It is Archer, and this is the crew of the Enterprise. Whose castle is this?
Riker: This is the castle of my master, Jean Luc Picard.
Archer: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by SHATNER with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail of primetime ratings.
Riker: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got them, you see.
Archer: What?
Tucker: He says they've already got them!
Archer: Yes, well done Trip. Are you sure he's got them?
Riker: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. [Aside] I told him we already got them!
[Data, Worf and Troi giggle.]
Archer: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?
Riker: Of course not! You are American types-a!
Archer: Well, what are you, then?
Riker: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, and comedy facial hair you silly king-a?!
Archer: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your ship by force!
Riker: You don't frighten us, American pig-dogs! Our phasers are twice the size of yours! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Archer Captain, you and all your silly American k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
Archer: Now look here, my good man--
Riker: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Tucker: Hey, is there anybody else about we could talk to?
Riker: No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
Archer: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
Riker: [Aside] Fetchez le Wesley.
Data: Quoi?
Riker: [Aside] Fetchez le Wesley! [There is the sound of whining]
Archer: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [There is a 'ptwong' sound, and a rapidly approaching whine.] Non-specific deity!
Crew: Christ!
[There is a crash as Wesley lands atop an unsuspecting, unnamed crewman]
Archer: Right! Mr. Reed, kill!
Reed: Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! [Mayhem. Crewmen, Data's cat, tribbles, and Dr. Pulaski are hurled at them.]
Archer: Run away!
Crew: Run away!
[Enterprise NCC-1701-D crew continue taunting]
Reed: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
Archer: No, no. No, no. We've had this talk before, Malcolm.
T'Pol: I may have a plan.
[There are sounds of construction, dog barking, swearing and the sound of someone singing 'I've been working on the railroad'. Then a wooden rabbit is pushed into the transporter room, and beamed across.]
Enterprise NCC-1701-D Crew: [whispering] C'est un lapin, lapin de bois, a l'envers. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Allons-y. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here...
Archer: What happens now?
T'Pol: Reed, Tucker and I wait until nightfall, exit the rabbit and catch them by surprise.
Archer: Who leaps out?
T'Pol: Reed, Tucker and I -ah.
Archer: Ohh.
T'Pol: We could construct a large wooden badger.
[There is the noise of a wooden rabbit being fired out of a photon torpedo tube.]
Archer: Run away!
Crew: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[As the rabbit impacts, Picard's crew laugh hysterically.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Narrator: The Tale of Ensign Sato. So, each of the crew went their separate ways. Ensign Sato travelled... (well, how do you do three dimensional space directions anyway? Ah, lets just make something plausible up) widdershins, through the dark nebula of Ewing, accompanied by an inexplicably singing Dr. Phlox.
Dr. Phlox: [singing] Bravely Hoshi Sato rode forth from Star-ar-fleet. She was not afraid to die, brave Ensign Sato. She was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, Brave, brave, brave, Hoshi Sato!
She was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, Or to have her eyes gouged out and her elbows broken, (you know, Lt. Reed was in just the other day with that very complaint... oh, where was I? Ah, yes,) To have her kneecaps split and her body burned away And her limbs all hacked and mangled, Hoshi Sato!
Her head smashed in and her heart cut out And her liver removed and her bowels unplugged And her nostrils raped and her bottom burned off...
Sato: That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, Doctor. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
[They come across the terrible two-headed monster of Berman and Braga]
B&B: Halt! You look familiar.
Phlox: [singing] She is brave Hoshi Sato, brave...
Sato: Shut up! Um, I'm n-- n-- n-- nobody, really. I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just, um-- just passing through.
B&B: What do you want?
Phlox: [singing] To have a decent part, fight and--
Sato: Shut up! Um, oo, a-- nothing. Nothing, really. I, uh-- j-- j-- just-- just to, um-- just to not be killed off any time soon or have to get it on with Malcolm O great creators.
B&B: I'm afraid not!
Sato: Ah. W-- well, actually I-- I have an agent.
B&B: You've got an agent?
Sato: Yes.
Berman: In that case, I shall have to marry you off to Malcolm. Then kill you.
Braga: Oh, I don't think so. Let's kill her, with Malcolm unrequited love angst.
Sato: Noooo! Just kill me now and have done with it!
Berman: Quick! Get the phase pistol out and shoot her in the knee, we haven't had her in sickbay yet!
Braga: Oh, shoot yourself in the knee and do me a favour.
Berman: What?
Braga: You never shut up, yak yak yak all the time.
Berman: At least I don't snore.
Braga: I do not.
Berman: Do.
Braga: Oh, let's stop all this arguing and just get her in decon!
Berman: Right. Her and Malcolm.
[They look round. There is a distinct lack of Hoshi.]
Braga: She's buggered off.
Berman: So she has. She's scarpered.
[Cut to rapidly retreating Sato]
Phlox: [singing] Bravely Hoshi ran away,
Sato: No!
Phlox: [singing] Bravely ran away, away.
Sato: I didn't!
Phlox: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, she bravely turned his tail and fled.
Sato: No!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Trip approaches a dark and forbidding planet. There are the sounds of Klingon birds of prey in the background, as he lands.]
Eccentrica Galumbits: Welcome, gentle sir, welcome to the Planet Anthrax.
Tucker: The planet Anthrax?
Eccentrica: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!
Tucker: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail of ratings?
Eccentrica: The what?
Tucker: The Grail, it's here, right?
Eccentrica: Everyone knows the grail may be found wherever there are scantily clad women. Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!
Midget and Crapper: Yes, O Eccentrica?
Eccentrica: Prepare a bed for our guest.
Midget and Crapper: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...
Eccentrica: Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.
Tucker: Well, look, I-- I, uh--
Eccentrica: What is your name?
Tucker: 'Commander Tucker... the Chaste'.
Eccentrica: Mine is 'Eccentrica'. Eccentrica Galumbits, triple breasted whore of Eroticon VI. Oh, but come.
Tucker: Please! I gotta see the grail.
Eccentrica: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.
Tucker: Look, ma'am, I've seen it, right here-
Eccentrica: Commander! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
Tucker: Well, I-- I, uh--
Eccentrica: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score triple-breasted young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off on this planet with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, sewing exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome officers. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
Tucker: No, no. It's-- it's nothing.
Tucker: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down. [Enter a very keen crewman Cutler]
Cutler: Well, what seems to be the trouble?
Tucker: She's a doctor?!
Eccentrica: Uh, she... has a basic medical training, yes.
Tucker: B-- but--
Eccentrica: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Cutler! Practise your art.
Cutler: Try to relax. [She begins to unzip him]
Tucker: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
Cutler: I must examine you. [Unzipping proceeds further]
Tucker: There ain't nothing wrong with that!
Cutler: Please. I am a doctor.
Tucker: Hey, look, stop, I'm a perfect gentleman!
Cutler: Back to your bed! At once!
Tucker: Stop! I've seen those ratings!
Cutler: There's no grail here.
Tucker: I have seen it! I have seen it! [leaps up, through a set of doors into a suspiciously *red* room] I have seen--
Girls: Hello.
Tucker: Oh.
Girls: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
[Tucker heads towards the door, with a strangled expression on his face. He is blocked by a familiar figure]
Tucker: Eccentrica!
Zaphod: No, I am Eccentrica's identical twin sister, Zaphod.
Tucker: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
Zaphod: Where are you going?
Tucker: I gotta have the grail! I've seen it, here!
Zaphod: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Eccentrica!
Tucker: What?
Zaphod: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Eccentrica! She's been faking the figures again. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
Tucker: It's not the real Grail?
Zaphod: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Eccentrica! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! [turns to face the camera] Do you think this series should have been cancelled? We were so worried when B&B were writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous series, I think.
Sisko: At least ours had a better back story. And a wormhole.
Janeway: At least ours had a plot, it wasn't just a set of original series rehashes.
Jean-Luc Picard: Get on with it.
Riker: Yes, get on with it!
Massed species of the Federation: Yes, get on with it!
Zaphod: Oh, I am enjoying this scene.
SHATNER: Get on... with it!
Zaphod: [sigh] Oh, wicked, wicked Eccentrica. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here on planet Anthrax, we have but one punishment for faking the ratings: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.
Girls: A spanking! A spanking!
Zaphod: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.
Amazing: And spank me.
Stunner: And me.
Lovely: And me.
Zaphod: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
Girls: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!
Zaphod: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
Girls: The oral sex! The oral sex!
Tucker: Hell, I could stay a bit longer.
[Reed bursts in with phase pistol in both hands, followed by a security team]
Reed: Commander!
Tucker: Oh, hi Mal.
Reed: Quick! [He begins dragging Tucker away, while fending off the hordes of women]
Tucker: What?
Reed: Quick!
Tucker: Why?
Reed: You are in great peril!
Zaphod: No, he isn't.
Reed: Silence, foul temptress!
Tucker: Hey, she's got a point.
Reed: Come on! We will cover your escape!
Tucker: Look, I'm doing ok here!
Reed: Come on!
Girls: Commander Tucker!
Tucker: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
Zaphod: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
Girls: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
Reed: No, Commander. Come on!
Tucker: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.
Zaphod: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.
Girls: Yes. Let him handle us easily.
Reed: No. Quick! Quick!
Tucker: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!
Zaphod: Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.
Girls: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily... [The officers reach the shuttlepod and climb in]
Zaphod: Oh, shit.
[Aboard the shuttlepod]
Reed: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Tucker: I don't think I was.
Reed: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Tucker: You could let me go back and face the peril.
Reed: No, it's too perilous.
Tucker: Look, it's my duty as Chief Engineer to sample as much peril as I can.
Reed: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail of ratings. Come on!
Tucker: Oh, lemme have just a little bit of peril?
Reed: No. It's unhealthy.
Tucker: I bet you're gay.
Reed: Um, well, now you mention it...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Narrator: And so, Archer and T'Pol and Sato (who'd met up with the knights who say 'ni', but you can't really crowbar many Star Trek references into that scene so we just skipped it) set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old Russian had spoken in scene twenty-four (you can fill in that scene for yourselves as well. What, you expect us to do *all* the work?). Beyond the nebula, they met Reed and Tucker, and there was much rejoicing.
Crew: Yay! Yay!
Narrator: On the frozen planet of Nador, they were forced to eat Dr. Pholx.
Phlox: [high-pitched] Get back! Eee!
Narrator: And there was much rejoicing.
Crew: Yay! Whoo-hoo!
Narrator: A season passed. Plotlines became even more hackneyed, and uniforms even more revealing. Until, one day...
[A middle aged man is standing on a rocky planet, needlessly blowing things up and generally meddling with the universe. Reed looks like he's in love.]
Archer: What manner of man are you that can summon up weaponry without a tactical console?
Q: I... am a meddling busybody and plot device.
Archer: By what name are you known?
Q: There are some who call me... 'Q'?
Archer: Greetings, Q the Plot Device.
Q: Greetings, Captain Archer!
Archer: You know my name?
Q: I do. You've name tagged your warp nacelles. [He pointlessly blows something else up. Reed gibbers enthusiastically] You seek the Holy Grail of Ratings!
Archer: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Q.
Q: It's really not that difficult if you read the novelisations. [More explosions. Tucker and Sato look at Reed worriedly]
Archer: Yes, we're-- we're looking for the Holy Grail of ratings. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail of ratings.
Crew: Yeah. Yes. It is. It is. Yeah. Yup. Yup. Hm. Mm.
Archer: And so, we're-- we're-- we're looking for it.
T'Pol: Indeed.
Tucker: Yeah.
Sato: We are. We are. [She hiccups nervously]
T'Pol: It has been our quest for some time now.
Sato: Ages.
Archer: Uh-- uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to, uh-- to help... would be... very... helpful.
Tucker: Hey, look, can you tell us where--
[Enormous kaboom. Tucker leaps backwards. Reed overloads and passes out]
Archer: Fine. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um-- find a, uh-- a, um-- a, uh--
Q: A what...?
Archer: A g-- a-- a g-- a g-- a-- a g--
Q: A grail?!
Archer: Yes. I think so.
Q: Yes!
Sato: Oh. Good.
Archer: Oh. Thank you.
Tucker: Oh. Great.
Archer: Thank you.
[They stand around waiting. More explosions. Reed looks like he's coming round again]
Reed: Did I miss anything?
Tucker: Shush!
Archer: Look, um, you're a busy man, uh--
Q: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail of Ratings.
Crew: Oh, thank you. Oh...
Q: To the north there lies a cave-- the cave of Caerbannog-- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Gene Rodenberry of Paramount... [boom] ...make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail of Ratings.
Archer: Where could we find this cave, O Q?
Q: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
Archer: Okay then. Reed, you go first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Behold the cave of Caerbannog!
Archer: Right! Keep me covered.
Tucker: What with?
Archer: Phase cannons, torpedoes, those weapons we had in the pilot that mysteriously disappeared...
Q: Too late!
Archer: What?
Q: There he is!
[Porthos is happily frolicking among and peeing upon the piles of bones.]
Archer: Where?
Q: There!
Archer: What, behind the beagle?
Q: It is the beagle.
Archer: You stupid bastard!
Q: What?
Archer: You got us all worked up!
Q: Well, that's no ordinary beagle!
Archer: Ohh.
Q: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered beagle you ever set eyes on!
Sato: You--you complete and total--
Q: Look, that beagle's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Tucker: Go screw yourself!
Q: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Tucker: Yeah, course he will. Hey, has anyone seen Malcolm?
Archer: Why?
Tucker: He just seems to have disappeared. [Faraway explosions are heard, plus gibbering. Q blows something up to distract everyone's attention]
Sato: Hab SoSlI' Quch!
Q: I'm warning you!
Sato: What's he do, drool on you?
Q: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
Archer: Go on, Crewman Redshirt-Cannonfodder. Blast his head off!
Redshirt: Right! Silly little bleeder. One beagle meatloaf comin' right up!
Q: Look!
[Porthos leaps through the air, as if on a piece of string, and tears the crewman's throat out]
Archer: Non-specific deity!
Q: I warned you!
Sato: [Very quietly] I've done it again!
Q: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Like you always do don't you captain? Oh, it's just a harmless little beagle, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--
Archer: Oh, shut up!
Q: Do they listen to me? How many times have I told Jean-Luc...
Archer: Right!
Q: Oh, no...
Crew: Charge!
[Massacre of the unnamed characters.]
Archer: Run away! Run away!
Crew: Run away! Run away!...
[Q is lying on the floor having hysterics]
Archer: Right. How many did we lose?
Reed: [Miraculously having reappeared when the opportunity to do some killing turned up] Goosefood.
Tucker: Easytarget.
Archer: And Redshirt-Cannonfodder. That's five.
Tucker: Three, Cap'n.
Archer: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That beagle's dynamite.
Sato: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
Archer: Oh, shut up and go and change your uniform.
Tucker: Let's taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
Archer: Like what?
Tucker: Well... ooh.
Reed: Have we got photon torpedoes?
Archer: No.
Reed: Bugger. We have the Thermal Detonator.
Archer: Yes, of course! The Thermal Detonator of Star Wars! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Fanboy carries with him! Fanboy! Bring up the Thermal Detonator!
Fanboy: [chanting] Princess Leia's underwear; gold and spangly bi-ki-ni...
Archer: How does it, um-- how does it work?
Reed: I know not, sir.
Archer: Consult the novelisation of Return of the Jedi!
Fanboy: Return of the Jedi, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one. 'And Princess Leia, Our Lady of the Gold Bikini, raised the detonator on high and spake 'O living Force, Bless this detonator so it may turn Jabba into hamburger filling'. And Obi-Wan did grin, and the Wookiees did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--
Reed: I think you can miss that bit, fanboy.
Fanboy: And the Obi-Wan spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Thermal Detonator of Star Wars towards thy foe, who, being of the Dark Side in My sight, shall snuff it.' May The Force Be With You.
Crew: May The Force Be With You.
Archer: Right! One!... Two!... Five!
Tucker: Three, sir!
Archer: Three!
[There is the sound of the 'Star Wars' theme and an almighty 'kaboom'. The crew enters the cave.]
Archer: There! Look!
Tucker: What does it say?
Reed: What language is that?
Archer: Fanboy! You are a scholar.
Fanboy: It's Sindarin!
Tucker: Of course! Sindarin! [whispered to Reed] What the hell's Sindarin?
Reed: 'Course! Sindarin! [Whispered back to Trip] No idea, just nod.
Archer: What does it say?
Fanboy: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Gene Rodenberry of Paramount. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail of ratings on the planet of aaarrrrggh'.
Archer: What?
Fanboy: '...The planet of aaarrrrggh'.
T'Pol: That seems illogical.
Fanboy: He must have died while carving it.
Reed: Oh, come on!
Fanboy: Well, that's what it says.
Archer: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aarrggh'. He'd just say it!
Fanboy: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
Tucker: Perhaps he was dictating.
Archer: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
Fanboy: No. Just 'aaarrrrggh'.
Reed: Aaaauugggh.
Archer: Aarrrggh.
T'Pol: No such planet exists in the Vulcan database.
Crew: Aaargh.
T'Pol: Ahem.
Tucker: No, it's aaargh.
T'Pol: No, I meant, ahem, there is a large special effect coming up behind us with violent intent.
Tucker: Oh, you mean WAAAEEEURRRRGH!
T'Pol: Yes.
Reed: My God!
[Huge special effect makes cost-effective roaring noise.]
Fanboy: It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaarrrrggh! [Black Beast of Aaarrrrggh eats Fanboy]
Archer: Run away!
Crew: Run away! [They are pursued round the cave by the Beast] Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay! [Still being pursued] Keep running! [Still being pursued. My, this beast is nothing if not persistent.] Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!... We've lost him. [Roar, and the beast leaps out once more.]
Crew: Aagh!
Narrator: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Archer and his crew seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the Special Effects Team went over budget.
[Cut to scene of computer geeks being attacked by pin striped accountants wielding briefcases]
Special Effects Team: Argh! Ow! No! Stoppit!
Narrator: The CGI peril was no more. The quest for Holy Grail of ratings could continue.
[There is a standard issue rickety wooden bridge (second hand, off Indiana Jones) over a small hole in the ground filled with dry ice.]
Tucker: There it is!
Archer: The Bridge of Death!
Sato: Oh, great.
Archer: Look! There's the old Russian from scene twenty-four!
T'Pol: What is he doing here?
Archer: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions--
Tucker: Three questions.
Archer: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
Tucker: Three questions.
Archer: Three questions may cross in safety.
Sato: Umm, what if you get a question wrong?
Archer: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Daytime Soaps and Conventions.
Sato: Oh, I won't go.
Tucker: Who's gonna answer the questions?
Archer: Ensign Sato!
Sato: Yes?
Archer: Brave Ensign Sato, you go.
Sato: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Malcolm go?
Reed: Yes. Let me go, sir. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--
Archer: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--
Tucker: Three questions.
Archer: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.
Reed: I understand, sir.
Archer: Good luck, Lieutenant Reed. Trek be with you.
Chekov (for it is he!): Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Reed: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Chekov: What... is your name?
Reed: My name is 'Lieutenant Reed of Starfleet'.
Chekov: What... is your quest?
Reed: To seek the Holy Grail of ratings.
Chekov: What... is your favourite colour?
Reed: Blue.
Chekov: Right. Off you go.
Reed: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. [He crosses the Bridge of Death]
Sato: That's easy! [She comes forward to Chekov]
Chekov: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side she see.
Sato: Ask me the questions, Chekov. I'm not afraid.
Chekov: What... is your name?
Sato: 'Ensign Sato of Starfleet'.
Chekov: What... is your quest?
Sato: To seek the Holy Grail of Ratings.
Chekov: Why in the move 'The Wrath of Kahn' did Kahn recognise me even though I was not with Kirk in the original episode, when they first met?
[pause]
Sato: I don't know that! [She is flung into the Gorge] Auuuuuuuugh!
[Trip steps forward, undaunted.]
Chekov: Stop! What... is your name?
Tucker: 'Commander Tucker of Starfleet'.
Chekov: What... is your quest?
Tucker: I seek the Grail.
Chekov: What... is your favourite colour?
Tucker: Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh! [He is also flung into the Gorge]
Chekov: Hee hee heh. [Archer steps forwards] Stop! What... is your name?
Archer: It is 'Archer', Captain of the Enterprise.
Chekov: What... is your quest?
Archer: To seek the Holy Grail of ratings.
Chekov: Where do they keep the nuclear wessels?
Archer: What's a 'wessel'?
Chekov: Huh? I-- I don't know that. [He is flung into the Gorge] Auuuuuuuugh!
[Archer and T'Pol cross the Gorge, but fail to find Reed at the other side]
Archer: Reed! Malcolm! Coo-ee!
T'Pol: Lieutenant Reed!
Archer: Malcolm!
[Cut to a dingy office, where Reed is being questioned by two men in suits]
Suit 1: So, do you actually have any kind of work permit for this country?
Reed: Umm, it's in my other uniform?
[Cut back to Archer and T'Pol. A very spangly spaceship picks them up, accompanied by ethereal music]
Archer: The Planet Arrrggh. Our quest is at an end! Trek be praised! Almighty SHATNER, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy-- [The ship is rocked by a ballistic sheep] Non-specific deity!
[The viewscreen comes to life, to reveal...]
Jean-Luc Picard: Allo, dappy Vulcan woman and Monsieur Archer captain, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!
Archer: How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of Starfleet, to let us transport to this sacred planet, to which SHATNER Himself has guided us!
Jean-Luc Picard: How you Americans say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behaviour?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.
Archer: In the name of the SHATNER, we demand to land on this sacred planet!
Jean-Luc Picard: No chance, American bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your planet-landing request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Archer: If you do not let us land, we shall take this planet by force! In the name of SHATNER and the glory of our--
[disgusting things are fired from the planet at them. Enterprise NC-1701-D crew laugh at them.]
Archer: Agh. Right! That settles it!
[They attempt to attack. More things are fired]
Jean-Luc Picard: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!
Archer: Walk away. Just ignore them.
Jean-Luc Picard: And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy American k-nnniggets!
Archer: We shall attack at once!
T'Pol: This is not logical.
Archer: Stand by for attack! [Suddenly a huge fleet of spaceships appears from nowhere for the big final scene] French persons!
Jean-Luc Picard: [taunting] ...Dappy!...
Archer: Today the blood of many a valiant redshirt shall be avenged. In the name of SHATNER,...
Enterprise NC-1701-D crew: Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!...
Archer: ...we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead and the Holy Grail of primetime ratings returns to those whom SHATNER has chosen!
Enterprise NC-1701-D crew: ...Ha ha ha!...
Archer: Charge!
[Suddenly a large group of men in suits walks onto the Bridge.]
Suit: Right, everyone, pack up and leave. Show's cancelled. You two, give back the uniforms. And the ears. And the brow furrow. [Turns to writers] And you, fanfic writers! We own the rights to this! Do you want to get sued?
Writers: Aaaaaaargh! Run away! Run Away!