Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Aragorn was bored. Deeply, chronically bored. He really had not anticipated how devastatingly dull being king could be. He now realised why Denethor had gone odd in the end. The sheer mundanity of it all was getting to him. He was currently looking at the plans of Minas Tirith's mind crampingly complicated sewerage system, a fact of life that Rangers rarely ever encountered. Also the fact of the threat of Mordor in previous years meant that this had been an area that had been neglected, so there were parts of the city you really, really did not want to be if it was anything like a warm day. He had no idea what to do about it; however high the wages were the job of sewer cleaner was not getting many applicants, since the problem had reached such chronic proportions. Aragorn was contemplating the drastic solution of drilling really big holes in the walls of each level of the city and hoping the whole lot would just drain away. There was however, the problem of what the people in the lower levels of the city would say?
"AAAAARRRAAAAGGGOOOOORRN!"
Aragorn tensed and then dived under the table. That was another thing that was causing him problems - Arwen after having become queen had gone completely Lady MacBeth on him and was now truly filled from the crown to toe top full of direst cruelty, most of which was expended on him. The people of Minas Tirith seemed to like her, since she had practiced being royal and was very good at waving graciously. Aragorn was at a loss to think what he had done to annoy her. Some things she just went completely over the top with, like his putting the full-length portrait of Boromir into their bedroom (now his bedroom since she had moved out). And of course, she'd tried to kill him when she'd found him passionately kissing Legolas on the afternoon of their wedding; the woman just seemed to be angry with him for no reason. She didn't even call him 'Estel' anymore, more usually 'you bastard' or variations on this.
"Aragorn? Aragorn?" A hand reached under the table and hauled him out by the scruff of the neck. "Stop hiding! You are supposed to be king, so act like one. Have you solved the sewerage problem yet?"
"No. We should get some experts in. Anyway, I have to go and review the troops?"
"Stop right there. How many times have you reviewed the troops today?"
"Three." Aragorn looked at his feet.
"And it's not even lunchtime! Act like a king! All you ever do is review your troops, and then only the ones that are under 40. Here," she dumped a large amount of scrolls onto the desk in front of him, "business that needs attending to. I shall have lunch sent up here and I expect it finished by dinnertime. Understood?"
"Then can I review the troops?"
"It'll be dark."
"They can hold torches."
Arwen just gave him a nasty look and marched out of the door. Aragorn walked over to the window and looked out. He could see some of his crack guards outside, personally chosen by him. That was one of the few things he liked about being king, and it had been nice to be able to redesign the now figure hugging uniform, which was being worn with aplomb by the guards outside. The word 'pert' surfaced in his mind and was quickly quashed.
He walked back to the desk and unrolled the first scroll, a petition for the reduction of taxes on associated haberdashery supplies. He groaned, and decided to go for a walk. He walked out of the room and into the ante-room where his (or more accurately since that was where his loyalties lay, Arwen's) secretary sat.
"Going somewhere your Majesty?"
"I'm going to get some fresh air."
"It's only that Her Royal Highness requested that if you should leave the room for any reason until those scrolls were finished I was to inform her."
A thinly veiled threat. Aragorn knew that he could take down the secretary without breaking a sweat, but the news would get back to Arwen, and he would pay. He turned and went back into the room, closing the door behind him. This called for drastic action. He went over to the window again and opened it, and climbed out onto the sill. As he had hoped it ran along to another window, and Aragorn had enough of a head for heights for the trip to be an easy one. He found himself in a disused storeroom and tried the door. It was unlocked, and Aragorn padded out into the corridor. He needed to get out and needed to get out now.
************
// I do wish he wouldn't look at me like then when I'm trying to garden. Makes me all clumsy, now all the roses are pruned all wrong. You see, I reckons that there's nothing wrong with me and Mr. Frodo being together and all that, but there's people in the Shire who think differently, so it seemed natural that I went courting Rosie, and then married her. Mr. Frodo knows how I feels about him, I tells him lots and he tells me lots, but he?s still jealous of Rosie. And we both know it's not right to be carrying on when she's about, but he's so... desperate about it all when he has the chance. Rushes everything. I quite liked being ravished on the kitchen floor the first few times, but now it's just giving me backache, and I wish he could leave off long enough for us to make it to bed. I tried picking him up and carrying him in there last time, but even with his being skinny for a hobbit that gave me backache as well. P'raps I could suggest we got a nice thick rug for the kitchen, but then we'd have to keep washing it...//
************
Legolas approached Bag End with not a little trepidation. He hadn't sent word of his arrival, and from what he knew of the one ring he was a little worried as to what state Frodo would be in after its destruction. To be honest Legolas would be relieved of Frodo wasn't dribbling or muttering to himself. He wanted to get in contact with the rest of the Fellowship, but after the incident after the wedding he felt that if he was going to turn up at Minas Tirith he probably shouldn't go there alone. The other option would have been going to see Gimli, and he wasn't sure about that. The fact that Gimli fancied the pants off him was obvious to just about everyone, and Legolas really didn't know what he felt back. He had grown to like Gimli, but the big beard was a truly amazing turnoff. The Girl Guide plaits in it didn't help either. Therefore, that left only the Shire as a possible starting point, and the most obvious place to start was with Frodo. Well, most obvious to Legolas, but he wasn't about to admit that he was kinky hobbit fancier. Or more accurately a certain dark haired, blue-eyed hobbit...
He knocked on the door, and Frodo opened it "Legolas!" he exclaimed and threw himself at the elf, wrapping himself around Legolas' lower body causing Legolas to try and concentrate on the least erotic image he could come up with (Gandalf and Saruman pole dancing together). He was comforted by the fact that Frodo was neither gibbering nor dribbling, but was worried by how long Frodo was prolonging the hug.
"Ummmm, Frodo, I am very pleased to see you, but could you let go?"
Frodo stepped back and blushed. "Sorry, its just that I haven't seen you for such a long time. Come in, come in, get yourself sat down in front of the fire, do you want anything?"
Legolas quashed the obvious answer that came to mind. "I'm fine thank you."
Frodo looked worried. "You aren't here because something has happened are you?"
"No, I just wanted to see everyone again."
"Oh. I thought you?d settled down with Mary Sue?"
"I did, but you know about her and random orcs?"
"How they just seemed to turn up whenever she was around..."
"Yes, well, I had to go to Rivendell on business, and when I came back I found her, pinned to a tree by orc axes. She looked so surprised as well. No'one had seen or heard anything."
Frodo, who knew exactly how most people felt about Mary Sue (unbridled hatred), had his suspicions about the motives of the Mirkwood elves, but decided this was not the time to say anything. There was however, a new and interesting possibility here - Legolas was now single.
Out in the garden, Sam heard a strange noise coming from the house. He paused for a moment and then decided to investigate, in case Frodo had had a funny turn. He opened the door.
"Mr. Frodo?"
Then he stopped at the sight in front of him. He had never really given much thought to the mechanics of having sex with someone twice your height, and now was glad that he hadn't thought too deeply on it. The image of what he now saw in front of him would be imprinted on his memory for far too long.
Frodo looked up and grinned. "Won't you join us?"
************
"Where do you think you are going Meriadoc Brandybuck?"
Merry paused in the middle of sneaking out of the door. "Nowhere?"
"You are trying to sneak out to see Peregrin again aren't you?" Merry's wife, Estella, had few illusions about her husband ? the marriage had been arranged rather than wanted: Merry had basically been dragged kicking and screaming to the wedding, bearing the bruises of some fairly major persuasion, and Pippin had to be rugby tackled to prevent him from saying anything when the phrase 'if anyone knows of any just cause or impediment' was said. Pippin had himself got married not long afterwards, with similar scenes at his wedding. Both Estella and Diamond (Pippin's wife) harboured few illusions about their husbands, since there were considerable benefits in marrying two of the richest and most powerful hobbits in the Shire (or rather, when they inherited all that money and power). However, her husband's behaviour was the talk of the Shire (that was when they got bored of talking about Sam and Frodo, who were both obviously convinced they were being very subtle, but fooling no-one) and it was her wifely duty to try and prevent him becoming the subject of any more gossip than was truly necessary.
"No, no I was just going out to the garden."
"And my name's Gandalf."
"Really I was. Really."
The argument was cut short by Pippin, accompanied by his wife, Diamond, bursting through the door and wrapping himself round Merry in a deeply inappropriate manner. In a practiced manoeuvre both women took their husbands' arms and dragged them off each other while simultaneously getting them into an arm lock. This had become the normal position for them to have conversations together, except when their wives got bored, or needed to go shopping or some such errand, when they were tied down to something a respectable distance apart.
"Legolas is in the Shire! He's staying at Bag End!"
Pippin's wife had realised that this was going to be a long conversation and had brought some rope with her and was in the process of tying Pippin down to the doorpost.
"Why? What on earth has happened?"
With the experience of doing this quite frequently Pippin had been tied down securely, and she had gone over to help Estella tie Merry down.
"Nothing bad, don't worry. Well, apart from Mary Sue being horribly killed."
"Wouldn't really call that bad, as such."
The two women retired to the kitchen to make themselves some tea, and enjoy the relative peace and quiet. It was time to catch up on the gossip that did not in some way reflect back on their husbands. It was going on Adventures that did it, this much had been agreed, or possibly with an eye to Merry and Pippin?s behaviour before they left the Shire, a propensity to go on Adventures. They were now pointed out to young hobbits as an example of what would happen to you if you did foolish things like leave the Shire.
"We should go and see them..."
"No you are not" two female voices chorused.
Merry protested. "But Rosie lives up there; it's not like anything could, um, happen."
Over the kitchen table a Look was shared. Neither of the two women knew Rose Gamgee very well, but she was either very, very liberal minded, had no imagination or was more than a little on the dense side. Of course, what with them living together it was a harder job, but the woman didn't seem to try. Although, her with the second child on the way there were some very interesting Rumours about goings on in Bag End.
"Merry, I am married to you. Do not attempt to lie so blatantly to me, understood?"
Pippin came up with a solution. "You could come with us? Please?"
"Yeah, we haven't seen him for ages. Please?"
************
"Thish beer's really good, y'know that. Nice to be in a mine without a barogogog in it. Nish plash you've got here."
Gimli sighed and got himself another beer. He wasn't really sure why Gandalf had invited himself round but he was proving difficult to get rid of. He had an ominous feeling that Gandalf would stay until they ran out of beer unless he did something drastic, and he was having problems thinking of what would work.
"Hey there hot shtuff, I can do magic you know."
Oh gods, Gandalf was propositioning someone else. Again. Gimli was not impressed: why was it that the only member of the Fellowship who didn't find big beards an amazing turnoff the only one he didn't find in any way attractive? However, a plan suggested itself from this observation, or more an observation of whom Gandalf found attractive.
"Gandalf?"
"Mmn?"
"You know, I'm quite worried. We haven't heard from Frodo in an awful long time, we should see how he's faring."
Gandalf seemed interested.
************
Of course it wasn't practicable to travel to Bag End with Merry and Pippin on leads, but there was a great similarity between them and over-sexed terriers. Stern looks and physical threats were usually enough to keep them in order. When they finally reached Bag End there was much hugging and welcoming, and only threats made as they went up the front path had prevented Merry and Pippin from hugging as well. Rose invited the two women into the kitchen for some tea while the men 'talked about Aventures and other dull things'. The two looked at each other. She couldn't live there and not have noticed, could she?
Frodo, Sam and Legolas were maintaining careful non-touching distance, but the looks exchanged between the three were so blatant they could have been accepted as evidence in court. Merry and Pippin had their fingernails dug into the sofa to attempt to maintain some self-control.
"So, Legolas, what brings you to the Shire?" said Pippin, trying very hard for non-suggestive small talk.
Legolas sighed. "It's just, well, ever since all that happened life's seemed so dull. Nothing happens. Alright, the threat of the Dark Lord having been lifted from Middle Earth is a good thing, but I can just see my immortal life stretching out in front of me as one long boring day stretched to eternity. So I thought I'd see how you were all doing."
"Doing just fine. Me and Pippin have got married."
"I hope you?re very happy tog-" Legolas was interrupted by coughs from Frodo and Sam. "Together with your wives.? Legolas rallied well.
Merry seemed on the verge of tears, so Pippin gave in and put a hand on his shoulder. This piece of forbidden contact was enough and they almost leapt into each other's arms and began kissing as if there was no tomorrow. The other three tried to cover this by continuing the conversation as if nothing had happened.
"The garden certainly is blooming Sam."
"Yes, yes it is." Sam was attempting to quash any ideas the sight of the two kissing on the sofa was giving him, and failing quite badly.
In the kitchen the conversation had covered most bases, but Rose's comment that it was 'such a pity that you two don?t have any babbies around the place' was giving the other two the idea that there wasn't some kind of very liberal threesome going on in Bag End, just that Rose couldn't see what was going on right in front of her. Speaking of which...
"It's gone awfully quiet out there." Said Estella.
"Yees..." agreed Diamond. "Shall we find out what's going on?"
"What do you mean?" said Rose. The other two just looked at her. She didn't even seem suspicious.
"Come on."
The sight before them was not altogether unexpected. Legolas, Sam and Frodo were trying to look innocent, whilst giving off enough heat to start a forest fire. Merry and Pippin were on the sofa, apparently attempting to have sex while remaining fully dressed. Rose made a couple of choking noises, screamed and passed out. Sam and Frodo ran to her while Merry and Pippin sprang apart.
"When I get you home..." said Estella, very quietly.
"There will be Trouble." Filled in Diamond. The tones of voice suggested that a night with the Barrow Wights would be a less frightening experience.
The two women then turned round to see how Rose was (Merry and Pippin had learned some time ago that in common with virtually all wives and mothers Diamond and Estella had both eyes in the back of their heads and hearing that would put an elf to shame). They both had their arms folded. This was going to be interesting, and from the point of view of gossip-currency highly informative.
Rose had regained consciousness and was being soothed by Sam. "They... They were Kissing!"
"Yes." Said Estella. She and Diamond shared a look, communicating their new belief that, while previously they had thought that it was not possible for anyone to be more stupid than Rose looked, they were having to revise this opinion.
"But, but, but... they're both male!"
"Yes, we had noticed, being married to them." The sarcasm in Diamond's voice, while being lost on Rose, was worrying Frodo and Sam.
Legolas tried to intervene; "Do you want a cup of tea to calm you down?"
Estella rounded on him. "Stay out of this! You can't even tell the difference between male and female elves, so I don't see how your opinion could matter!"
Rose was still having difficulties. "But, men, kissing, and things. How can they do that?"
"Want a diagram?" said Diamond nastily, which caused even Estella to give her a look. Rose burst into tears and Sam dragged her in the direction of their bedroom before anyone said anything else.
************
Aragorn was feeling very pleased with himself. He had managed to get out of Minas Tirith without being spotted by Arwen, and those finely honed Ranger skills were coming in very useful for avoiding the teams of crack troops she'd sent after him. Perhaps also the fact that they would not really be expecting to see the King of Gondor dressed as a woman was helping him evade notice. Actually, since he still retained a good deal of his manly stubble it was getting him a good deal of notice, but none from the agents of Arwen. Some propositions too, both sexual and asking whether he was an 'entertainer'. He hadn't initially been heading anywhere in particular, until he realised that he was for some reason following a arrow straight line to the Shire, and gave in; "Someone needs to check up on Frodo. And Merry, Pippin and Sam too of course. Just to check how they are. Nothing else.'
He was now in a small inn, pointedly ignoring the comments about a beardy woman drinking pints. He didn't know any beardy women who drank pints, so they obviously weren't talking to him. There was something about two figures in the corner, both bundled up so as not to be recognised, the smaller one wearing a false nose and glasses, along with a false moustache. The effect was made worse by the fact that the wearer already had a very big beard to start with. The other person had on a huge beanie hat, was wearing dark glasses and had a beard in dreadlocks. Yes, definitely something familiar, but he couldn?t place what.
************
"Gandalf, why the hell do we have to be disguised?"
"Forgot to pay a bar bill here about 50 years ago, and he might charge interest."
"Gandalf, I don't think any of the people behind the bar were alive 50 years ago."
"Landlords are like Oliphaunts. They never forget a bad debtor."
"I didn't know Oliphaunts lent out money."
"That was a metaphor."
"Wasn't a very good one."
"Uncultured dwarf!"
"Och, leave off, I got enough of that from Legolas."
Gandalf made a muttered comment.
"WHAT was that about getting enough?"
"Nothing, nothing. I was just thinking that the drag queen at the bar looks very familiar."
"What her with the beard?"
"Yes. Sinking pints as if there's no tomorrow."
"Reminds me of someone..."
"Indeed..."
"Someone noble..."
"Regal, even..."
"Someone who had better have a damn good reason for being in drag in a bar in this neck of the woods."
"Almost as good as the reason we're going to have to think up for being disguised as a Rasta and a, a, short person."
************
The three companions travelled on towards the Shire. Gandalf and Gimli's exhortations to Aragorn to stop being in drag, or failing that to at least shave his beard off, were being pointedly ignored. Gandalf had at least lost the beanie hat, but the beard remained in the dreadlocks.
************
The conversation at Bag End was getting back to something like normal. Rose had decided to have a lie down, and Diamond and Estella had pointedly taken up position on the sofa separating Merry and Pippin. They were drinking tea in much the same way as a ninja preparing his sword for battle - they were prepared to use teacups in anger if necessary.
"I was thinking," said Legolas cautiously, aware that a man who had fought off more orcs than even Pippin had had hot dinners should not be afraid of two female hobbits, but frightened none the less. He swallowed and started again. "I was thinking, perhaps we could undertake some travel in less trying circumstances than before? You really do not get to see Middle Earth at its best when being pursued by Nazgul."
Four of the hobbits visibly brightened at the idea. Two of them had other things to say about it. "No. I know what effect going on Adventures had on Merry the last time, he's not going again."
Neither Sam nor Frodo had the courage to say that if she was referring to the relationship between him and Pippin that was almost the only thing not to have changed.
Diamond agreed. "Adventures are bad for hobbits. Everyone knows this, except you! Does anyone else feel woozy?" In tandem both she and Estella collapsed neatly on the sofa. Legolas looked smug.
"How long does that last?" asked Merry urgently.
"About a night's sleep, eight hours or so."
"And which bedroom would be furthest from the one Rose is in?" asked Pippin, equally urgently.
"Green guest room."
"Back soon!" Merry and Pippin ran out holding hands.
The conversation in the sitting room was somewhat strained. Frodo and Sam had at least some ethical standards, extending as far as 'not when she's in the house', and so were trying to ignore Merry and Pippin. They began to plan their journey, that their respective wives (two of whom were of course passed out on the sofa as this conversation was happening), should all move into Bag End to look after each other and the children while they were away, who was going to look after the garden, provisions and so on. A sensible conversation that was all the more difficult to have when the sounds of passion were coming from one of the guest rooms.
Rose wandered in. "Can you hear anything odd? Where are Merry and Pippin? Why have Diamond and Estella gone to sleep?"
Frodo sprang up. "I'll just go and find Merry and Pippin." The thought of Rose finding Merry and Pippin doing what they were undoubtedly doing was not a good one. She'd probably go into premature labour, and that was not a pleasant thought. In fact, Frodo having helped Sam in the fatherly duties of pacing up and down outside the confinement room and generally feeling useless as screams of pain happened, he'd be quite happy if the babe just stayed in there forever.
Sam was breaking the concept of his going away to Rose. She didn't seem too worried about all this (had either of the other two ladies been awake doubtless there would have been commentary about her lacking the intelligence to be worried), as long as she didn't have to be staying in Bag End alone, 'Being that it's so draughty and lonely'.
All seemed to be settled. A Fellowship of Five would leave the Shire in search of non-life threatening Adventure. That was just as soon as two of its members could be persuaded to put each other down and leave the bedroom...
Warning: Slash, not taking the whole thing seriously, drag, beanie hats.