A Spoonful of Coolant
Our Non-Specific Winter Festival Special! Contains no actual mention of any Winter Festivals, but singing, dancing and other such festive stuff.
Author: Random Dent and Lady Alyssa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Efficiency on board the ship is continuing to drop. I must agree with Starfleet command. This is a logical course of action.”
“But an ‘efficiency consultant’? All they’ll do is tell us how to do our jobs and then leave.”
“She comes highly recommended. I have seen the reports on improvements after her consultations. However, I have been informed that her methods are somewhat... unorthodox.”
“Unorthodox? In what way?”
“I have been unable to ascertain her methods.”
Trip looked at T’Pol. “Sure is unorthodox. We offered to send a shuttleopd over the the Vulcan ship, but she says she’ll only transport over.”
The transporter came to life, and a figure materialised, wearing full navy uniform and carrying a carpet bag and umbrella. She looked about herself on fully materialising, then brushed some invisible specks of dirt off her uniform. She saluted smartly and stepped off the platform.
“Captain Archer? Permission to come aboard, sir.”
“Granted.”
She nodded to T’Pol and Trip. “Sub-Commander, Commander. My name is Commander Mary Poppins. I understand you know why I am here.”
The captain was slightly worried by the frightening aura of efficiency and just nodded.
“Then I shall need to talk to all of the officers, and most of the crew. I trust I will be given access to the duty rosters, and I shall start at 0800 hours tomorrow. Now, where are my quarters?”
“Ummm, follow me.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Captain decided it was probably best to take Trip along for moral support when showing Commander Poppins to her quarters, not that she seemed to need to be shown, it was as if she had already memorised the layout of the ship
“These quarters will be sufficient. Now, let’s not waste time. What problems are you having with efficiency?”
As she spoke she put her carpet bag down on the table and began to unpack in order to maximise the amount of time spent solving efficiency problems.
“Well... I know we can get the engines to warp 5, but it ain’t quite working out in practice...”
“I see.” Commander Poppins nodded and extracted a hatstand from the carpet bag, which she then proceeded to hang her hat on. “I shall attend to the matter presently. And what problems have you been having, captain?”
The captain stared at the hatstand “Hng? Wskv?”
“Ah. Vacillation. Lack of command presence. I will talk with the crew and we will address your problem first.”
“Problem?”
“It’s worse than I thought. Now off to bed both of you, we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”
“Bed? It’s only eight o’clock!”
Commander Poppins folded her arms.
“Okay, bed.” The captain left the room without looking back, much to Commander Poppins’ annoyance.
“Goodnight Ma’am.” Trip, however, had been taught the importance of manners at an early age and earned himself a metaphorical star in Commander Poppins’ book.
“Goodnight Mr Tucker.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Now, sit up straight. Don’t cross your legs, only women of ill repute cross their legs.”
The captain tried to sit up straight.
“That’s not straight, I should be able to put a ruler down your back. Everyone else, sit up straight.” The rest of the bridge crew sat to attention. “You see, everyone else can do it. Mr Reed, Mr Mayweather, legs together, please, that’s most undignified.”
Malcolm and Travis stopped sitting in the ‘airing the bollocks’ position and exchanged worried looks: Commander Poppins had been facing away from both of them when she had given that order. This was obviously a woman to be feared.
“Sit up straight, back straight, shoulders back, stop gripping the arms of the chair like that, there’s nothing to be afraid of.” Commander Poppins walked round the command chair, examining. “Now I suppose that’s passable. Repeat after me: Make It So.”
“Make it so?”
“No, don’t ask, command. Make It So.”
“Make it so!?”
“That will never do, you’re not supposed to be this ship’s comic relief.”
“Make it so.”
“An improvement, but watch how it should be done. Would you vacate your seat please, sir.” Archer leapt out of the command chair and stood nervously behind it.
Commander Poppins lowered herself into the command chair like a Roman emperor assuming the throne. “Make It So.”
“Hull plating fully polarised.”
“Opening hailing frequencies.”
“Scanning commenced.”
“Plotting a course.”
There was a pause. Malcolm, having had that kind of education, or more accurately, that kind of nanny, was the first to catch on.
“You didn’t actually order us to do anything, did you?”
“No, and I would be grateful if you would all undo what you have just done. Thank you. Now captain, you see how it should be done?”
He nodded.
“Good, I shall leave you to practise on your own for a while. Mr Mayweather, would you meet me in my rea- the captain’s ready room.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Other crewmembers have approached me to bring to my attention the fact that your talents are somewhat underused, although I was not at all keen on the way Mr Reed blushed when he mentioned your ‘talents’.”
Commander Poppins gave a hard stare to Travis, who suddenly became intently interested in the rivet four inches to the left of her head.
“I feel that you are an underdeveloped character and wish to remedy this.”
Travis looked at her suspiciously. “How?”
Commander Poppins ignored this remark. “Have you got something in your eye?”
“No, sir. Ma’am? Sir?”
“Ma’am.” She was very firm about this.
“Yes ma’am.”
“Now, ensign, I would like you to think of me as a friend. Tell me, what are your deepest fears.”
“Spiders,” Travis answered automatically, without really knowing why.
“Poppins to the bridge. Set a course for the Planet of the Giant Hairy Spider People.”
“The what? What are you going to do?”
“Send you on an away mission of course. And I do believe that ‘who’ would be a more correct way of referring to the inhabitants of the planet, they are highly intelligent.”
Travis could have sworn that the words ‘unlike some people aboard this ship’ had been added to the end of the last sentence. “But why do we have to go there?”
“You require character development and the fastest and most efficient way to develop character is to face your fears.”
“Couldn’t we just face my fear of long cosy conversations accompanied by hot chocolate with marshmallows?”
“It’s not exactly heroic, is it, ensign?”
“I can leave the heroics to Malcolm. Hey, why don’t we sent him to waterworld, make him face his fears too?”
“Mr Reed has already undergone sufficient character development and has more pressing problems. I believe it’s time for lunch now, off you go, ensign.”
Travis stood up and was halfway to the door before she stopped him. “Show me your hands. And the other side, ensign. Wash them.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Commander?”
“Yes, Commander?”
“Oh, dear, this is really rather confusing. Perhaps it would be better of you referred to me as ‘Miss Poppins’?”
“Can’t I call you Mary?”
“Not on duty, Commander. It smacks of fraternisation.”
“Oh, ok. What did ya want to see me for?”
Commander Poppins flinched slightly at the ‘ya’. “You have been unable to reach full warp capacity on the engines?”
“Nope, just can’t get them there. We’re working on it, but it’s so frustrating. Nothing seems to work.”
“Perhaps you are approaching this the wrong way. In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun...”
Trip looked round him in confusion. All the engineering crew had put down their sonic screwdrivers and were assuming dance positions. Commander Poppins took a deep breath, and hung off the end of the warp platform, ‘singing in the rain’ style. “Find the fun, and” she snapped her fingers, “the job’s a game. And every task you undertake becomes a piece of cake - a lark! A spree! It's very clear to me...” Then, she began to sing.
“Juuust a spoonful of coolant helps the warp coils go round
She paused in her singing, to dance round the platform with three crewmen, then perched on the control panel for the next verse. Trip could have sworn that the engines were humming in time to the music.
“A robin feathering his nest
She then took Trip in a small waltz across the floor of engineering, sat him at his desk and perched on the corner.
“Juuust a spoonful of coolant helps the warp coils go round
There was a short silence as everyone returned to their posts. Commander Poppins smiled brightly at Trip. Trip, in an attempt to ignore her, looked at the readings from the engine.
“Hey, we’re running at top efficiency and nothing’s caught fire! How’d’ya do that?”
“Were you not listening?”
“Just a spoonful of coolant?”
“And?”
“In every job there is to be done there is an element of fun?”
“Yes!”
Trip developed a faraway look. “Gotta tell Malcolm about that one too.”
Commander Poppins narrowed her eyes. “You and Malcolm...?”
Trip caught himself and stammered, “Not me and Malcolm, because there isn’t, we’re not sleeping together, no, ah darnit!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Entering orbit, sir” Travis suppressed a shudder. Due to Commander Poppins’ efforts in engineering they were ahead of schedule in arriving at the planet of the Giant Hairy Spider People.
Commander Poppins had entered the Bridge a few minutes earlier, and had been giving Malcolm an unwavering hard stare since then.
The captain turned to her, “who was going on the away mission?”
“Mr. Mayweather, and others at your discretion, sir.”
“Oh. Travis, pick up a couple of exo-biologists and Commander Tucker on your way out. He’s been a bit bouncy recently, I think he needs to work off that nervous energy.”
“Yes sir.” Travis moped off the bridge.
“Pick up a couple of exo-biologists? Sir.” Commander Poppins turned the withering look on the captain.
“Yup.”
“With no reference to their suitability for the job, no recommendations, no input from yourself, sir.”
“Yup.”
“Tell me, sir, how did you rise to the rank of Captain?”
“Well, I started off as an Ensign...”
“No, sir, I meant-”
“But I did start off as an Ensign!”
The rest of the Bridge crew studiously looked at their consoles and pretended not to hear exactly how gormless their captain was.
“Sir. I was not questioning the veracity of-”
“Huh? The what?”
“Veracity. Truth. Oh, never mind, sir. I’m sure you are well served by an admirable crew.”
The captain beamed at her. “Thank you, commander.”
Looks were passed between everyone else on the Bridge, who all knew the meaning of the word ‘veracity’. Commander Poppins sighed. “Mr. Reed, if I could see you in my... the captain’s ready room please?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Mr. Reed. Let’s not beat about the bush. I have observed you and your interactions with the rest of the crew. Tell, me, Mr. Reed, how many people on board this ship are you sleeping with?”
Malcolm looked shocked. “Ma’am, I do not see that that is of any relevance.”
“How many Mr. Reed?”
“This is an unwarranted invasion of my-”
“How many?”
“Four.” Malcolm studied the floor.
Commander Poppins steepled her fingers. “I see. And what effect do you think this is having on the morale of the crew?”
Malcolm couldn’t bring himself to give the truthful answer, that as far as he knew there were five people on board with considerably raised morale, so kept silent.
“Mr. Reed. I asked you a question.”
“I don’t know ma’am.”
“Since you do not know I shall tell you. Your behaviour is having negative effects on both crew morale and efficiency. Now, if this ship was under the command of a properly run organisation I would be ordering you to cease all such relations. As, however, Starfleet are naive enough to think that allowing the crew to indulge in sexual contact is acceptable, I can only order you to restrict your affections to one person. Understood?”
“But ma’am-”
“No buts. You will cease this,” she sniffed, “feckless behaviour. You will inform three of your paramours that you will no longer be seeing them tonight.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Malcolm looked so dejected that Commander Poppins felt she had to soften the blow. “Mr. Reed, those crew members I have talked to seem most... appreciative of you. Therefore, by devoting more time to one of them, it will hopefully improve things even further. Dismissed, Mr. Reed.”
“Aye aye ma’am.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later, on the bridge, Hoshi was looking vexed.
“You look vexed Hoshi.”
Hoshi looked at Commander Poppins witheringly. “Yes. I am. The Giant Hairy Spider People’s language... it’s very difficult. I can’t get the hang of it.”
“What in particular?”
“The pronunciation for a start. I mean, take this word here.”
“That very long word? What does it mean?”
“Hello.”
“Oh dear. Hmmm. I think it goes something like this.” Commander Poppins took a deep breath. Again, people round the room assumed dance positions for no good reason.
“Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
“Why do I have to say hello louldy?”
“They don’t have very good hearing and it fits with the metre. What else is there?”
“Are you going to sing again?”
“In all probability, yes. But you are finding this approach helpful, are you not?”
“I suppose so.” She sighed. “This bit. The captain’s very annoyed at my lack of progress.”
Commander Poppins looked at the readout.
“Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Hoshi opened her mouth to speak, but to her own surprise began singing.
“I used to be afraid to speak
Both Hoshi and the Commander sang together:
“Oh, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
The dancing Bridge crew returned to their positions.
“Feeling better about all this?”
“Yes, I think so. But I’d have preferred an upgrade on the UT.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The captain and Commander Poppins went down to welcome back the shuttlepod. The two random exo-biologists exited with a nod to their superiors, talking excitedly. Then Travis was carried out of the shuttlepod by Trip.
“Hey, Trip, thought you hated bugs?”
“I do, and when I first met these guys I was quaking in my boots a bit, but then we got talking to them and they’re real friendly, and real nice.”
“Mr. Mayweather? Do you feel your character has been developed?”
“Spi-spi-spi spiders.”
“Did you face your fears?”
“Hairy. Fear? Fear?”
“Oh, good. Nothing builds up a character as interesting to watch like a few well rounded neuroses.”
As Trip led Travis off to sickbay, the captain turned to Commander Poppins. “What do you mean, ‘watch’? There’s no-one watching us out here.”
Commander Poppins smiled, enigmatically. “Of course not, sir.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next day Commander Poppins decided to visit sick bay.
“Mr. Mayweather. How are you?”
“AAAAAAAAAAArgrhtgihritnirohflsdglsgjslgslrjik! AAAAAAA! You! Hairy! Spider! You! You!”
Travis flexed at his restraints, but he was firmly tied down. Dr. Phlox came over making soothing noises and sedated him. Phlox turned to Commander Poppins, “And what can I do for you?”
“I am interested in increasing the efficiency of sickbay.”
“Hmmm. I think the biggest boost to efficiency would be if Lieutenant Reed spent less time in here.”
“Why does he end up here so often?”
“Well, I think that he is rather unlucky, and something of a magnet for danger. But mainly I think he is in here frequently because of his tendency to shoot first and ask questions later.”
“Ah. I shall deal with that issue presently. I am told you make use of many creatures for their healing properties.”
“Indeed I do, for example the osmotic eel...”
Phlox spent the next forty five minutes showing Commander Poppins his menagerie. She seemed genuinely interested, making pertinent comments, until they came to one particular cage.
“Ah. The bat. Many crewmembers have made reference to the bat.”
“And it is very unfortunate we get on so badly. The bat’s droppings have great healing properties, but I haven’t yet worked out a way of getting at them without causing myself and the bat injury.”
“What healing properties do the droppings have?”
“Oh, general ones. I find them very effective on skin lacerations caused by bats.”
“It would seem to me we should work on your relationship with the bat. What is it’s name?”
“Name? Oh, that endearing human custom of naming animals. It has no name, Commander.”
“Oh. But how do you expect to train it if it doesn’t have a name to respond to?”
“I’ve never tried to train it.”
“Therein lies the problem. Would you like to choose a name?”
“I’m not very good at naming things, I get my wives to do that at home.”
“Is the bat male or female?”
“It’s male, as far as I can tell.”
“How about Tiddles?”
“No.”
“Rover?”
“Definitely not.”
“Gerald?”
“Oh yes, I like that one.” Phlox turned to address the bat’s cage. “Do you like it Gerald?” The bat hurled itself at the bars of the cage. “I think he does.”
“Good, now can you open the cage please?”
“Do you think that’s wise?”
“I know that everything I do is wise, doctor.”
“As you wish.”
Doctor Phlox opened the door of Gerald’s cage and leapt backwards with speed that only comes with a lot of practise. Gerald burst forth with all the speed of an intercontinental ballistic missile and about as much deadly force, and began attacking one of the lights in the ceiling. After about ten seconds he realised the light was not animate and flapped around looking for a new target.
At this point, Commander Poppins sang sweetly to him. “Gerald....oh Gerald.” The bat stopped to look at her, then perched on the ceiling to observe her and see what she did next.
“You see, it’s a question of communication.” She produced some bat food from the pocket of her immaculately ironed uniform. The bat swooped down to perch upside down on her finger, nibbling the food from her hand. She began to sing to it.
“Come feed the little bat, show him you care
Feed the bat, before he eats you,
The bat seemed appeased. She looked at it sternly. “Now, Gerald, time for your training.”
The bat stood to attention, well, as much as it is possible when you are hanging upside down from someone’s finger.
Commander Poppins took a small bead from her pocket and threw at across the room. “Fetch!”
The bat leapt off her finger and caught the bead as it flew through the air. It then returned obediently to her finger, where it was given a bat treat.
“Now, Gerald, I want you to show the same spirit to the doctor here, you understand?”
The bat twisted to look at Phlox. It seemed unsure, but its gaze had lost the homicidal overtones it normally had. It flapped over to the doctor and sat on his finger, where it received another bat treat.
“There. You both get on. I trust you will continue with Gerald’s training, doctor, treat him well. And you, Gerald will behave for the doctor, or there will be Trouble, understood?”
Both bat and doctor quaked a little.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Now Mr Reed, let’s try this again.”
Malcolm was sat in front of a blackboard in the armoury while Commander Poppins used a board pointer to tap each of the words written on it in turn.
“We - come - in - peace. Now your turn.”
“Wwwwww - Shoot to kill?”
“No, Mr Reed, try again. I can stay here all day if needs be.”
“We shoot to kill?”
“You’re not trying hard enough. Again.”
“Can’t.”
“There is no such word as ‘can’t’”
“Yes there is, I can’t go out to repair the hull plating without an EV suit.”
“That theory can be tested, Mr. Reed, so one more time.”
“We - come - in - shoottokill.” Malcolm looked sheepish. “I’m trying my best.”
“Do, or do not, there is no ‘try’.”
“We - come - in - ppppp shoot to kill!”
“I believe that doctor Phlox does not yet know of the medicinal properties of cod liver oil. Would you like me to tell him?”
“We come in peace. We come in peace, we come in peace, we come in peace, wecomeinpeace.”
“Well done. Mr Reed.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That night Commander Poppins was eating dinner with the Captain, Commander Tucker and T’Pol.
“Please, chew with your mouth shut Mr. Tucker. Captain, it is regared as etiquette to keep one’s elbows off the table.” She looked at T’Pol eating a breadstick with her knife and fork and nodded in approval. “At least there is one other person aboard ship who has table manners.”
Trip swallowed and addressed Commander Poppins. “So, do you think you’ve improved much around the ship?”
“I am satisfied with my work here. I trust you feel the same way, Commander.”
“Oh, yeah. Engineering’s doing great now, and after you talked with M-” Trip’s mind finally caught up with his mouth, and he took a large forkful of steak so he had an excuse not to talk for the next few minutes.
This bypassed the captain. “I haven’t seen you working with T’Pol.”
“No. I have observed the Sub-Commander and I approve of the Vulcan approach to life in general. Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking."
“You have read the teachings of Surak?”
“Only in translation, I’m afraid.”
The captain tried to keep up with the conversation. “T’Pol gave me ‘A Small Person’s Guide to The Teachings of Surak’. I’m reading it right now.”
A glance from T’Pol to Commander Poppins was sufficient to fill in the salient facts that this was a picture book, he’d been reading it for the past six months and he was only half way through.
Trip tried to save the captain from any further comments. “So, how much work d’you think you’ve got left to do?”
“None. I leave in the morning. First thing.”
“Oh. It’s been real nice having you around.”
“Likewise, Commander, Sub-Commander. Captain, I must say that serving under you has been a most interesting experience.”
“Oh, don’t mention it.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Commander Poppins materialised aboard a suspiciously futuristic ship. Daniels was at the transporter controls.
“How’d it go, Mary?”
“Really quite well. I think I have probably decreased their chances of a horrible firey death by half.”
“Oh, that’s good. What about Archer?”
Commander Poppins gave an exasperated sigh. “How on earth did you cope with serving under that man for that long?”
“Oh, you get used to it sweetie. And I think you’d better get used to it, seeing as you’re being sent straight off again.”
“Well, they can’t be worse than Archer.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Commander Poppins was leaving another ship, at speed and in a foul temper. “Captain Kirk, in the two weeks I have been here I have found that I can do *nothing* for your ship.”
“Why... thank you Commander... Poppins.”
Spock and McCoy had the decency not to make eye contact with the Commander.
“Goodbye, Captain. Now, if you’d take your hand off my leg, I’d better be going.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author e-mail: ladyalyssarandomflatmate@hotmail.com
Pairing: That would be telling...
Rating: PG
Note: Paramount own Enterprise and Disney (c/o seventh circle of Hell) owns Mary Poppins.
Warning: Contains Gormless!Archer.
The warp coils go round, the warp coils go round,
Just a spoonful of coolant helps the warp coils go round
In a warp 5.6 way...”
Has very little time to rest
While gathering his
Bits of twine and twig
Though quite intent in his pursuit
He has a merry tune to toot
He knows a song
Will move the job along.”
The warp coils go round, the warp coils go round,
Just a spoonful of coolant helps the warp coils go round
In a warp 5.6 way...”
Even though the sound of it
Is something quite atrocious
If you say it loud enough
You'll always sound precocious
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay”
To scary aliens
My Captain gave me just one week
To try and be their friend
But then one day I learned a word
That saved me my career
The biggest word I ever heard
And now I have no fear,”
Even though the sound of it
Is something quite atrocious
If you say it loud enough
You'll always sound precocious
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”
And you'll be glad if you do.
He’s getting quite hungry,
And he’s starting to stare,
At the finger he’ll bite off of you.
Before he, before he, before he eats you.
Feed the bat, that's what to do,
And he’ll come back from wherever he flew.”