Frodo Chatterly's Lover
Disclaimer: I do not own these Hobbits, JRR Tolkien does but as I don't think he ever thought of male Hobbits being pregnant, by rights the unborn child is mine, though given its weird parentage I think I'll let them keep it.
All was normal at Bag End as Bilbo and Frodo tucked into their breakfasts. Except something to Bilbo's mind was not quite right.
"Frodo, what are you eating?"
"Ham sandwich," said Frodo, a little too uneasily for Bilbo's liking.
"I thought I saw you put chocolate spread into it?"
"No, why would I do that?"
Why indeed. Bilbo was worried. Frodo's behaviour had been getting more and more strange for a while now, and he wanted to know what was going on. If Frodo had been a female hobbit then an obvious, although unpleasant, idea would be at the front of his mind - that she was pregnant. This would lead to a few swift conversations and some threats to ensure a wedding, but all would be sorted out. However, as Frodo's uncle who had changed his nappy as a baby he was entirely sure that Frodo was male. But that nagging doubt would not leave him; he had after all seen an awful lot of strange things in his Adventures, and it could be, as other hobbits rumoured, that such strange things were somehow infectious.
"Frodo, if you could take off that billowing shirt you are wearing."
Frodo looked at Bilbo partly in fear and partly wondering if he had gone mad. "Why?"
"You have been acting very oddly and I want to see my suspicions proved or disproved."
"No."
"Frodo. I will be forced to conclude that you do in fact have something to hide."
Frodo gave in an unwillingly unbuttoned his shirt to reveal a very distended belly. He mumbled "Just putting on weight, that's all."
Bilbo crossed over and placed a hand on Frodo's belly. And felt the movement. He almost sprang back. "Since when did good hobbit fat move as if it had a life of its own?"
"D-d-don't know."
"Yes you do. Tell me."
"'M pregnant, aren't I?"
Bilbo cuffed Frodo lightly. "Behaving like a foolish tweenager! Did you think it would disappear? That you could keep this secret?"
"Thought I couldn't get pregnant."
This did fox Bilbo. Frodo had a very good point - male hobbits should not be able to become pregnant, but there he was, sitting in the kitchen, very obviously with child. However, a new thought occurred to Bilbo. "This means you have, have," his anger was building "been.... consorting with another male hobbit!"
Frodo went very quiet and tried to curl protectively around his bump.
"I knew it! A bloody Brandybuck, all they do is breed, wouldn't be surprised if one of them somehow managed to get you up the duff." Bilbo was seized with determination. "Don't care how many of them there are, I'll be down Brandy Hall and they'll pay for this, or I'm not a Bagggins!"
"Not one of them."
"Who? Tell me Frodo, or with child or no I'll tan your hide!"
"No! He doesn't know that I'm, you know, thought I couldn't get pregnant, ordinary male hobbits can't, 'snot his fault. 'Snot my fault either."
"Bilbo cuffed him again. "It is your fault. If you thought with your brain instead of other parts you wouldn't be in this mess. WHO IS HE?"
Frodo muttered something inaudible.
"WHO?"
"Sam."
"The gardener? You, a proud hobbit of noble lineage, are pregnant by the GARDENER?"
Frodo nodded. Bilbo cuffed him again, a little harder this time. "Better that it had been a Brandybuck! Not only against all hobbit practices do you consort with another man, not only against all the laws of nature do you get pregnant, but you do it with a servant? A menial worker, who weeds the garden!"
"It's not like that, he's kind to me, and I think I love him."
"A little less love and kindness and we would not be having this conversation. How did all this come about?"
"We were both out in the garden, and he cut himself on the hoe and I offered to kiss it better." Frodo was looking at the floor and slightly blushing and smiling at the recollection.
Bilbo relented slightly. Frodo was his only relative who he actually got on with, and he wasn't about to throw him out. He tapped Frodo's bump. "Try kissing that better. I shall have to sort this out. Stay here."
*****
Sam was waiting outside his home, confused. Bilbo had arrived, swept into the kitchen, and demanded to speak to Gaffer about Sam. His first thoughts were that he and Frodo were about to he exposed, but Frodo had been in an awful mood recently and he'd been permitted nothing more than a peck on the cheek for more than a month - no one in the Shire held on to good gossip for over a month. Therefore he was doubly surprised when a few moments later Gaffer stormed out of the kitchen, grabbed him by the ear and, followed by Bilbo, began to drag him up to Bag End.
Sam was dumped unceremoniously on the kitchen floor in front of Frodo. "Frodo? What's going on?"
Frodo opened his mouth to reply and was cut off by Gaffer. "What you two have been going on is more the question! Against nature, not right for a Gamgee, going putting ideas in his head." Gaffer also muttered a comment of "Adventurous Bagginses!" under his breath.
Sam mouthed "They know?" and Frodo nodded imperceptibly.
"But, there's something else Sam."
Gaffer glared at him. "Go on. Tell him. What you have lured seduced and entrapped my son into!"
"I'm pregnant." Frodo looked to his feet.
"Really?" the hope in Sam's voice made Frodo look at him. He nodded. Sam knelt in front of him on the floor and kissed his hands. "Oh, Frodo, why didn't you tell me? I've always wanted babies, and I thought that you being male and all would mean I would have you or babies, but not both, but this is wonderful!"
Frodo looked at Sam. "Are you sure?"
"Yes!"
Gaffer broke up the slushiness. "Unnatural! How did he get to be like that in the first place I ask you? Unnatural acts!"
Sam looked briefly confused. "Then why aren't I preg-" He realised exactly what he had just admitted to a half second before Gaffer hit him a blow that knocked him to the floor.
Gaffer was about to hit him again when Frodo sprang up and got between them. "Would you hit a pregnant hobbit?"
Bilbo decided to break up the fight. "This is not solving anything! We must work out a solution to this problem. Shouting and fighting are not going to stop Frodo being pregnant." Frodo had helped Sam up, and he was now holding Frodo, one hand resting proprietarily on the bump.
"Ah, but what's going to happen when he don't be pregnant no more if you get my meaning? How's the babe to be birthed?" said Gaffer.
Bilbo thought for a moment. "I will get in contact with Gandalf, or perhaps I shall go and visit the elves. They will know a way of dealing with this."
"Is the child to be born out of wedlock? Ain't been no Gamgee not done the right thing by a wom- hobbit," insisted Gaffer.
Sam looked at Frodo. "Will you marry me?"
"Thought you'd never ask. Its not like I haven't been dropping hints or anything."
"Why didn't you ask me then?"
"Well, I didn't want you to be forced into anything. I still don't. You don't have to marry me, just because of this you know."
"Yes I do."
"In that case I'm not marrying you."
"What?"
"I'm not marrying you if you're only saying that out of a sense of duty."
"No, no really, I always wanted this, it's just, with you being a gentlehobbit and all I couldn't ask, not it my position; it wouldn't be right."
Gaffer almost exploded. "Not right to ask him to marry you but alright to sleep with him! What kind of hobbit are you Samwise Gamgee?"
Bilbo interrupted. "Please! With all this argument we are missing a central point - two male hobbits cannot get married. The wedding ceremony is for a male and female hobbit."
"I could wear a dress," offered Frodo.
Bilbo and Gaffer stared at Frodo. "Frodo, please; wearing a dress does not make you female." Bilbo could not help but think of his Uncle Weatherspoon, but this was not the moment to introduce this.
"How about being pregnant and wearing a dress?"
"Frodo just shut up," Bilbo sighed. "The only thing we can do is present our case to the Shirriff and see if an exception can be made. You are quite happy to be married?"
Frodo and Sam looked at each other. "Yes," they said in unison.
"In that case Gaffer and I will go and see if we can sort out a rather hasty wedding."
"Sam, you're goin' home."
"No."
"Don't you answer back to your Gaffer like that, you deserve a good beating anyway for what you've done!"
"I'm staying here. Frodo needs looking after." Sam had wrapped himself round Frodo protectively.
Gaffer was lost for words, angry to the point of incoherency. Bilbo laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. "He does have a point - after all, the baby is your grandchild. And could they actually do anything to make this situation any worse?"
Gaffer nodded and turned to leave with Bilbo, but not before giving a very suspicious look to Frodo and Sam. Gaffer at this moment could not think of anything that could make the situation worse, but knew Frodo was an educated hobbit and so didn't put it past him to think of something that could make this a lot worse.
Bilbo returned some time later to find Sam massaging Frodo's lower back in the kitchen. He looked at them suspiciously.
"What?" said Frodo. "I've got backache, that's all. This is heavy you know."
Bilbo couldn't think of a suitable riposte. "The Shirriff says that if there's a general consent to the marriage, and if two midwives concur that you are actually pregnant the marriage can go ahead. I think he muttered something about Bagginses being odd as we left. Gaffer has gone to find some midwives."
*****
The examination by the midwives made Frodo distinctly uncomfortable, but they were forced to admit that in their professional opinion he was indeed pregnant.
"Deliberate, that's what it was. Deliberate." Gaffer was still having problems with this. "Well known, if woman's folks are against a marriage for her to get herself into that condition to get herself wed. You knew about this, deliberate it was!"
A furious knocking on the door cut off his tirade. The grapevine of the Shire had functioned to full efficiency, and arriving were just about every relation of both Frodo and Sam who could get there that afternoon. Every single last question was asked, from how did it happen, to the plans for the wedding, to possible names for the child. There were some side remarks about how behaviour like this was expected from those weird Bagginses, but not from those nice down to earth Gamgees - it must be infectious. In most evidence though were horror stories about going into labour, told by middle aged women, how they'd nearly died, how their first one had tried to come out sideways, how 'our Daisy were so big and hairy it were like giving birth to a coconut', a fact which neither Frodo, nor Daisy (now a horrifically embarrassed tweenager) really wanted to hear. Bilbo eventually had to intercede and throw out the remaining relatives. Gaffer grumbled at them and went home. Then Frodo threw himself into Sam's arms and burst into tears.
"I'm going to die, I can't birth the baby."
Sam tried to soothe him. "It'll be alright, you're not due for a good few months yet, Bilbo'll get help, you'll be fine." But in truth he was very worried; he really did not want to lose Frodo. However, for Frodo's sake he wasn't going to show it.
Bilbo was doubly reassuring. "I have written to Gandalf already, though I do not know where he is, and I will think over tonight anyone else I can find who could help you. Don't worry, every mother is frightened for their first child, your own mother was practically hysterical when it was getting imminent and both you and her were fine." Bilbo thought it politic not to mention the fact that Frodo's mother's curses against his father during labour were loud enough to be heard three fields away and used language no-one until then thought she knew.
In the following weeks Frodo settled down into a combination of hormonal fog and wedding planning efficiency. The hormones were most noticeable in the strange eating and the strange paranoias - such as his asking Sam what would they do if he went into labour during the ceremony and then there was a dragon attack? Bilbo was impressed by Sam's total unflappability in the face of Frodo in this state, and Sam was enjoying spending time with Frodo without risking comment. Well, there had been comment, but the news of this had got back to Gaffer who had taken action - he had come to the opinion that although he totally disapproved of everything that was 'going on' between Sam and Frodo he was the only one qualified to comment on this. If anyone so much as agreed with one of Gaffer's diatribes they got a tongue lashing if not worse.
One of the few clouds on the horizon was the question of names. Frodo and Sam had privately agreed that each would keep their own surnames, and that the child would be a hyphenated 'Baggins - Gamgee', but the arguments this was causing were immense. However, the arguments in themselves showed that people seemed really not to care that this was two male hobbits getting married. Another problem was Frodo's desire to wear a wedding dress, specifically his mother's since it was made for a pregnant hobbit of Frodo's size. Frodo was not wearing a dress to the wedding - this was a matter that Sam, Gaffer, Bilbo and the families were agreed on, but were having problems persuading Frodo who kept bursting into tears at the suggestion, and crying that 'it wasn't much to ask and it's such a nice dress'. He even twice to prove a point wore the dress around the house, proving that it did indeed fit very well and suit his colouring, but still it was felt to be undignified to get married in drag. There was also the fact that Frodo and Sam could not now keep their hands off each other, since they had far less fear of being caught; however, Frodo's condition was creating a large amount of practical difficulties in this field...
*****
Gandalf's arrival a few days before the wedding did much to calm Frodo's nerves. He was reassured that both he and the child could survive the birth, although Gandalf refused to go into details, saying that they were a closely guarded secret. He was also baffled as to how this situation had come about, but was refusing to admit it, muttering theories such as a misplaced elven curse, or something Frodo had eaten. Both Bilbo and Frodo looked this on with incredulity, and Gandalf had to admit he was guessing. Bilbo also decided that this was the time to hand on a family heirloom. "Well, not an heirloom as such. I found it on my Adventures, but its such a nice ring it'll be good to pass it on to Frodo on his wedding day."
The day of the wedding came. Sam was needed to persuade Frodo not to wear the dress, but in deference to the custom that they should not see each other on the day of the wedding before the ceremony this persuasion was conducted through a closed door.
"Please Frodo, you look daft in a dress."
There was the sound of a stifled sob. "You think I look daft!"
"No, love, I never think you look daft, it's just you look all wrong in a dress."
There was the sound of yet more sobbing. "'m all wrong!"
"Frodo, I love you for who you are, which is male, so you in dress is just silly."
There was a pause. "You love me?"
"Why do you think I'm marryin' you, you fool?" said Sam kindly.
There was a longer pause. Sam was beginning to worry. "Frodo? Just put the wedding suit on. Please?"
"OK." But this was said with some reluctance. Sam could feel that this would be one of those matters that would be dredged up in arguments far in the future.
The ceremony went off quite well, there was the total confusion caused by the fact that as Sam slipped the ring onto Frodo's finger Frodo disappeared, accompanied by suppressed laughter from Bilbo and Gandalf. This laughter though was stopped when an unseen hand clocked them both one, and Frodo reappeared, taking the ring off and glaring at them. A chain was found for Frodo to wear the ring round his neck with, but he was still annoyed at Bilbo and Gandalf. Then there was some slight sniggering when the phrase "You can kiss the groom" was said, but they were swiftly silenced by a glare from the Gaffer.
The celebrations afterwards were somewhat more... eventful. It all started with a snide comment by one of the Sackville-Bagginses that it wasn't the fact that Frodo was marrying a man that bothered them, it was that he was marrying so far below himself. This was enough to spark off some seriously simmering tensions, and basically start a full scale war. At the point that a hobbit was hurled headlong through a plate glass window, the newlyweds decided to leave.
They were lying on a hill holding hands watching the stars. "Well, that went as well as could be expected," said Sam.
"What?"
"I thought that the fight was going to start during the ceremony."
"Oh. It was nice when Gaffer smashed that chair over the head of the hobbit who was trying to strangle Bilbo."
"He's loyal, is Gaffer." Sam nudged Frodo. "Your father-in-law."
"Gosh. Hadn't thought of it that way." Frodo turned to look at Sam. "But... if the wedding was like that, just think what it'll be like at the christening."
"Oh dear."
Story Notes: This was created in the rather strange AU that Random Flatmate seems to inhabit most of the time and has been shoved into Movieverse in a desperate attempt to make Sam over the age of consent.